Proverbs 15

Verbal abuse permeated my home as I was growing up. And I, also, became quite skilled in being able to use my tongue to lash out in anger with no empathy for the impact of my words. It took a lot to make me angry, but if those buttons were pushed, I reacted with a spewing of word vomit that would make your head spin. With the conviction of the Holy Spirit, I began to recognize the harmful effects my words and tone could have and I wanted to change that dynamic. A small but powerful book that is treasured in my library is the book “Verbal and Emotional Abuse” by June Hunt. Here is her description of verbal abuse:

“Verbal abuse is a form of overt, emotional abuse. A skilled woodsman wields his weapon carefully, chopping repeatedly on a precise spot until the targeted tree falls. This lumberjack takes pride in controlling himself and his weapon, never striking a careless blow. Likewise, a verbal abuser uses his tongue as a weapon to hack away at another person. This abuser is skilled in his ability to strike a blow- wielding words that caustically cut heart and soul.”

Throughout the Bible, the tongue is described as a weapon or tool for potential harm. If we allow our anger to be unrestrained, our words will reflect the sinful, foolish, and emotionally charged or foolish condition of a heart that is not submitted to God. “The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness.”(2)

Anger is an emotion that we will all experience. Some of us will have shorter fuses than others. Growing up, we may have observed and learned wrong, sinful responses to the behaviours and actions of others. We may have become super sensitive and over-reactive instead of being able to calmly and objectively react and respond as God would desire. “A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife.” (18)

How much power does the tongue have? 

“The tongue has the power of life and death” ( Proverbs 18:21). 

“A wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit.” (4)

This is such an important understanding to grasp. “Our words”, “ our reactions”, “our chosen responses” have a powerful impact. We can use our anger to fuel destructive, sinful responses that will likely stir up anger or hurtful responses in others or we can submit our anger to Spirit-controlled responses that reflect healing and peaceful outcomes.  

If you are a victim of verbal abuse or if you are one prone to expressing your anger with harmful words, seek knowledge from the Bible and scripture based books to help you change how you use your tongue to react and respond. “The heart of the righteous studieth to answer: but the mouth of the wicked poureth out evil things.” (28) 

n her book, June Hunt reminds us to love unconditionally. 

Let God’s love and not hatred be the driving force behind the words you speak to others. “Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers all wrongs” (Proverbs 10:12). It will be a process that requires submitting to God and learning healthy responses to others ( including how to set healthy boundaries ). May I encourage you to weigh every word you speak, being mindful of it’s potential to have a positive vs harmful impact. Sometimes, we may find that changing our tone or how we say something is key. Timing also becomes important so that we are not being merely reactive, but focused and submissive to God’s direction. Some circumstances require time for prayer and reflection and God’s guidance regarding when, how, or even if we should speak.

“A man hath joy by the answer of his mouth: and a word spoken in due season, how good is it!” (23)

Final Thoughts:

Satan wants to hurt and wound us through the words of others, stirring up our sinful responses to anger. Satan wants to use us to wound others with the words we speak. 

God wants to heal us through the power of “His Word”. God wants to use us to heal others through the impact of the words we speak. 

“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing”. (Proverbs 12:18)

 ~ Ephesians 4:17-32

Aaaaaaah done!! I looked up at the clock just as I finished washing the kitchen floor and saw that I still had a few minutes to get everything ready for my guests that were due to arrive in about 10 minutes or so.

I immediately started to put the last finishing touches on the luncheon I was hosting when my children, seizing the moment, ran into the kitchen looking for refreshments! (They knew that at this moment I’d consent to just about anything just to get them to cooperate while I was busy with friends)

JD was thirsty so I told him he could have a glass of the lemonade I had just made that was still sitting in the pitcher on the counter. Too busy to pour it myself, I went ahead and allowed him to pour it. My daughter was also looking around for something to snack on. We were lighthearted and laughing about something when suddenly I turned around only to catch JD continuing to pour lemonade from the pitcher into an overflowing cup that was now not only running all over the counter, but down onto the floor! The FLOOR I HAD JUST CLEANED!! And it was the syrupy sticky kind of lemonade from concentrate!!  

For a moment I stood there in shocked silence! I stood there motionless and stared at all the lemonade running onto my floor while JD sat there laughing at his sister and not even paying any attention to what he was doing!!

Until finally something from waaaay down within me came spewing out, “JD!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?” He finally turned his attention back to his cup and stopped pouring, but it was too late!

I read him the riot act! Up one side and down the other! I chopped him down to peanut size until finally he stood there trying desperately to hold back his tears and said quietly, “I’m going to my room.”

And I lifted my arm with my pointer finger erect, just in case he had forgotten in which direction his bedroom was, and shouted, “GOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

JD slowly turned and walked out of the kitchen heading for the stairs and his sister silently followed right behind him. I guess she feared my wrath at that moment too and wanted to make a quick, silent exit.

I instantly felt convicted by the Holy Spirit. I not only broke my son’s heart, I’d ripped it out and crushed it to pieces!! I felt a moment of remorse, but my eyes quickly glanced back to the clock and to the sticky mess all over my clean kitchen and I immediately set to work cleaning everything up, for my guests would be arriving any minute now.

 And when they did, I slapped on my best hostess smile and went along as if nothing had happened!

Except I felt like a crumb on the inside. The Lord wasn’t going to allow me to get away with it that easily. My little ones remained quiet as little mice. I doubt my company even knew they were home, but my heart and ears were tuned into the silence coming from upstairs, and I couldn’t wait for my company to leave so I could climb those stairs and wrap my babies in my arms and beg them to forgive me.

I honestly can’t remember who came over that day, but as soon as I read, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil… Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.  And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.  Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.  Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”  (Ephesians 4:26-27, 29-32) my mind instantly flashes a picture of those minutes in my kitchen when I crushed my son’s heart to bits. It will always be available for me to press "instant replay" in my brain.

Both of my children now have children of their own; some even older than what they were at the time. I believe they are both far better parents than I was while they were growing up! They would make any momma proud. I don’t know if they even remember that day or that incident, but I know I will never forget it; especially now after almost 30 years!

What I wonder most is:

• What if I hadn’t run up the stairs after my last guest departed? 
• What if I hadn’t scooped them up and begged their forgiveness? (Little ones always seem to forgive more readily than us, adults). 
• What if I had allowed the enemy to indulge my pride and self-righteous anger and never did ask forgiveness? 
• What if I allowed my little ones to think my guests and what they thought of me was far more important than they were and what they thought of their momma?

Our actions have rippling effects. What if I had allowed a root of bitterness to begin to form in my children? These kind of things happen, and the Bible assume that there will be times when we grow angry, (Be angry and do not sin) but it’s what we do with our anger that can make all the difference. And when and if we do become angry, we need to go as quickly as possible to make it right.

Though I don’t believe it’s ever too late. If your conscience still bothers you about something... if you have a scenario that still plays in your mind at times, stop what you’re doing and go and make it right, for it still matters to God.

Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you,  leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:23-24)

Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Read:  James 1:19-20

When we talk too much and listen too little, we communicate to others that we think our ideas are more important than theirs.  James wisely advises us to reverse this process.  Put a mental stopwatch on your conversation and keep track of how much you talk and how much you listen.  When people talk with you, do they feel that their viewpoints and ideas have value?

These verses speak of anger that erupts when our egos are bruised.  “I AM HURT.”  “My opinions are not being heard!”  Now when injustice and sin occur, we should become angry because others are being hurt.  But we should not become angry when we fail to win an argument or when we feel offended or neglected.  Selfish anger never helps anybody.

 

I recently heard a phrase and it has been nailed to my head and heart.  Most days I run errands during my lunch hour, but I always have Moody Radio on in my car and I try to listen to the program that’s on, but I am driving and concentrating on getting to and from my destination.  However, every now and then, I catch something, and this was it –

“We have to learn to love them more

than we hate what they do.”

Do you ever find yourself in the situation that you are giving advice?  It’s good advice.  And the person you’ve been speaking to does the exact opposite?  Or their opinion does not align with yours?  And you walk away, or hang up the phone, or close the email or text and find yourself angry.  Maybe you are hurt because what you told them would save them from the activity or situation they are in. 

I’ve been there.  I have thought ‘but I don’t think my ideas are bad’  -- ‘ they just don’t listen.’  And the more I whine about how this person just won’t listen to me, the angrier I become.

It is really verse 21 that drove the phrase I heard home for me. 

“Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.”  (James 1:21)

“Humbly accept the word planted in you.”  It’s important to listen to what God’s word says, but it is much more important to obey it, and DO what it says.  We can measure the effectiveness of our Bible study time by the effect it has on our behavior and attitudes.  Do you put into action what you have studied?  Or do you get up from your corner where you spend your time alone with God and completely forget what God has said?

I truly hate to admit it, but I have.  No, not every day, but certain days when I was wanting to drive my point-of-view into someone, I seemed to toss all I had read out the window.

God wants all the glory.  I have to say, not me.  He will work all things out so He receives the glory, and me becoming angry or hurt because someone doesn’t “do” or react to my words really showed me how weightless my words are.  But God’s words – they are strong and when we use them or pray that God’s word would change the person's actions or decisions, then God gets the all the glory.

I am reminded of the time the disciples tried to drive out the demon in the boy (Mark 9), and they asked “Why couldn’t we drive it out?”  And Jesus replies, “This kind can come out only by prayer.”  (v. 9:21)

Prayer is the key that unlocks faith in our lives.  So when you find yourself frustrated or angry that someone is not listening to you, stop talking to them and trying to convince them of your idea, and pray.

I have come to realize that what has gotten me angry most of the time is when someone I love is stuck in sin.  Below are ways to pray when someone you love is stuck in sin.  I have these printed on notecards and I open them up and read and pray them while I am at my desk at work.  It has altered how and when I get angry.

Pray for them to see their sin as God sees it.  Isaiah 59:2

Pray for their hard heart to soften.  Ezekiel 36:26

Pray for them to recognize the kindness of God.  Romans 2:4

Pray for them to have a desire for God’s word.  Matthew 4:4

Pray for God’s Word to do surgery in their heart.  Hebrews 4:12

Pray for the consequences of their sin to become clear to them.  Psalm 51:3-4

Pray for them to be surrounded by people who will speak truth into their life.  James 5:19-20

Pray for them to recognize that only God can satisfy their deepest needs.  Psalm 107:9

Pray for them to know how much God loves them.  Ephesians 3:17-19

Pray for them to repent.  Matthew 3:2