My
study bible says, “Forgiving others is tough work – so much so that many people
would do anything totally distasteful than offer forgiveness to someone who has
wronged them. For a person to pray while
bearing a grudge, however, is like a tree sprouting leaves and bearing no
fruit.”
According to psychology, here are some reasons why
forgiveness is so difficult. One reason
is because we can hold onto memories longer.
We think about the past and hold onto what caused us the hurt.
Another
reason is there is too much anger that causes a lack of self-control. Our emotions can be so strong and blinding
that forgiveness is the last thing on our mind.
But often, we may choose to be angry about a situation because it feels
right to us. It gives us a false sense
of empowerment.
We
may be too scared to forgive in fear of getting hurt again. This defense mechanism is developed over time
to protect us from getting hurt again.
We
may believe that the person who offended us deserves punishment. Interestingly, when we hold a grudge against
someone, it may be our attempt to punish them and how we gain a sense of
self-control and power over being hurt.
But sometimes that punishment can be unresponsive and ineffective if the
person is not aware that they have offended you. In reality, you may be carrying the heavy
burden of a grudge while the other person is moving on with their life.
And
lastly, you may find it difficult to forgive someone if they never made you
feel understood or heard. So, it is
easier to justify your decision to hold onto that resentment. After all, why should you forgive the other
person when they did not treat you well, right?
But this only causes the both of you build your walls higher.
As
we read Mark 11, it is no surprise that this passage on forgiveness ends with
the story of Jesus calling out the people in the temple on having the
appearance of godliness, but having no fruit or substance of a relationship
with God.
Jesus
finishes this section with a reminder of what the fruit of godliness looks like. It is not just outward actions, but an inward
heart change. Specifically, Jesus tells
us that a true disciple of His will forgive others.
Jesus
pulls no punches in this verse. He
starts out by saying that forgiving others is so important that you should even
pause your prayer to do so.
Has
someone ever come to mind while you are praying, and you wonder why? Well, Jesus goes as far to say that, “…forgive
them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”
What
does Jesus mean by saying that? We see
throughout scripture that God was the first to act on our need for forgiveness
and salvation, and that He did so despite all we did and who we once were. God saved us when we were still enemies
(Romans 5:10). We only love because He
first loved us (1 John 4:19). And if
this doesn’t help to humble us, none of us were even seeking God to begin with
(Romans 3:11). What does that mean that
God will not forgive us if we do not forgive others?
Turn
to Matthew 18:21-35 to read the parable about the man who owed an excessively
big debt and his lender forgave him that debt.
Shortly after, this man refuses to forgive someone else’s much smaller
debt and threatens him with his life.
The previous lender finds out about how awful this man treated the other
and renounces his forgiven debt consequently for treating the other man so
poorly.
What
we learn from this parable is that God takes our life change very
seriously. We are not saved by our
works, and God’s grace and forgiveness is purposed to bring about a change
heart.
God’s
plan is to save us from the punishment for our sins (Romans 6:23), to give us a
new hearts (Ezekiel 36:26), to fill us with new motives (1 Corinthians 10:31),
and new empowerment (1 Timothy 1:7) to live a new life that he has called us to
(Titus 2:11-14).
Here
the kicker – this new life is not an option.
It flows naturally from our forgiveness.
Which
leads me back to the question (which comes first, the chicken or the egg?) does
God forgive us because we forgave others?
Or do we forgive others because God forgives us?
What
we can learn from Jesus’ parable and the rest of scripture, is that God
forgives us and empowers us to forgive others.
But, if we are not actively trying and asking God to help us to forgive
others, then how can we possibly say we have been forgiven by God and love Him
(1 John 4:20)
Or
to put it another way, forgiving others is a sign that we have been forgiven by
God. And any lack of forgiveness towards
others is a sign that we have not experienced God’s forgiveness.
I
apologize this is so long, but I believe we need to understand something here;
forgiveness is always possible, but reconciliation is not.
As
important as it is to note that Jesus calls us to forgive others, it doesn’t
always mean that things will work out.
Simply look at Jesus’ life – we will not be on good terms with everyone,
but we can still forgive everyone.
Paul
reminds us in Romans 12:18 that we are to “live peaceable with all” but only “so
far as it depends on you” recognizing that sometimes the issues we have with
others are simply on their end and there is nothing we can do about it.
This
doesn’t give us freedom to write someone off as a lost cause, as we are called
to love generously and especially those who hate us, but we also shouldn’t bear
the weight of a two-way relationship all on ourselves.
We
can forgive and still not receive reconciliation between ourselves and the
other person if they refuse.
Although
we talk about our empowerment coming from God, we often hinder ourselves to
only self-help methods and motivational talks which is the exact opposite of “empowered
by God”. Not only does self-help and self-motivation only last temporarily, but
God also tells us that nothing we do can be pleasing to Him without our actions
coming out of our faith in Him (Hebrews 11:6).
If our motivation is one of self-attainment and simply doing better, we’ve
completely missed the point.
In
regard to forgiveness, I have heard people encouraged to think about how much
God loves the person you ought to forgive and if that God can forgive them,
then so should you. But this is nothing
more than hype and motivational talk, and not found in scripture.
Of
course, God loves them, He’s perfect.
But how does that help me to love them?
Here
is what the Bible tells us to do:
Instead of focusing on the people you ought to forgive, you need to
focus on the God who has forgiven you.
Scripture tells us that our forgiveness does not come from seeing God
forgive others, but as an overflow of God forgiving us.
When
God forgive us, He doesn’t simply wipe the slate clean and then tell us to try
harder; He gives us His spirit to teach us and help us (John 14:26), to
encourage us (Acts 9:31) and empower us to follow Jesus (2 Timothy 1:7).
The
Holy Spirit is God’s gift to all believers when we are saved! And it is through Him that we become more
like Jesus – including our growth in forgiving others (Acts 2:38).
Do
you need to forgive someone? Do it now.
Do
you need to ask someone for forgiveness from?
Go ask for forgiveness. Do your best
to bring reconciliation, as much as it depends on you.
Forgive
Repent.
Love
others like Jesus.
Have
an amazing summer as we rest from writing,
Lisa