I remember watching an episode of Dr. Phil where a couple were arguing back and forth. Both of them were intent on making their point, and neither one was listening. Finally after hearing a laundry list of complaints from the wife, Dr. Phil looked at her and asked, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” That simple question stopped me dead in my tracks. God laid a conviction on me right then and there. He wanted me to take at a look at my own argumentative nature and eagerness to give an opinion.
Throughout Proverbs Solomon warns about women he calls contentious or quarrelsome. And when we read what he says, we may even feel a bit indignant. After all what’s wrong with being a women with an opinion and not being afraid to defend it? But it’s important to know that never does Solomon say that women should be seen and not heard. That we shouldn’t speak our minds, or share our feelings. His point is this. Often times the problem doesn’t lie in the message, but rather the delivery.
“It is better to live in a corner of the roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman” (Prov. 21:9) In Israel the roofs of the houses were flat. And although they had multi functions, the flatness left the roof without protection and exposed to the elements. Solomon says it’s better to live on this roof, facing all that nature can pelt you with, than live in the warm comfort of a house with an argumentative spouse.
"It is better to live in a desert land than with a contentious and vexing woman” (Prov. 21:19) Imagine the lonely existence of living in a desert land. Nothing to see but miles of sand. No one to talk to. Always searching for relief from the scorching heat and constant thirst. Yet again Solomon says this existence is better than living with a quarrelsome and exasperating person.
“A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike” (Prov. 27:19) Is there anything more annoying than the slow and constant drip of a leaky roof or dripping faucet? According to Solomon, a nagging wife is! Boy did this verse have my name all over it. This is the verse that made me change the way I communicated with those around me and especially my husband.
Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you I’m a person with strong opinions, and one who’ll share them without any added sweeteners. I've been like a dog with a bone when I thought I was in the right and can argue with the best of them, including my husband. For some reason when I would share my opinions and thoughts with him, and didn't get an immediate response, I was sure the answer was to repeat myself again, and again, and again. I took offense to his seemingly lack of interest and didn’t understand that instead of encouraging him to listen, my constant nagging became like white noise that he wanted to drown out.
It wasn’t until God gave me my Dr. Phil “aha!” moment that I really got down to the nitty gritty of my behavior. Through prayer, and the wisdom that comes with age, I’ve learned that being argumentative, contentious, and quarrelsome does nothing but push people away and shut them down. I learned, for me, the need to be right came from a place of hurt. From not being heard or allowed an opinion as a child, which in turn led to feelings of not being good enough or having anything important to say.
But you know what? To God we are all more than enough. He cares about every thought, every feeling, and every opinion we have. He blessed us with the ability to think and to feel and to communicate with others. Yet we are to do so in a kind and gentle way, never quick to argue or eager to quarrel. For as Proverbs 20:3 tells us, “Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man, but any fool will argue.” So now when I catch myself being contentious, I ask myself, “Do you want to be right or to be happy?” And my answer is always, “Both!” Because instead of being right in the eyes of others it’s now more important for me to be right with God. And being right with God always makes me happy!
